Simply Curious

The first movie is still the best.  This one lacked  the energy, although I do admire the historical details. 

The premise is a race to the Fountain of Youth, stopping to collect all the items needed to make it work.  I sense a video game in the future.  The racers? Edward Teach, aka Blackbeard, for whom Sparrow worked under duress, our old friend Barbossa, now sporting a pegleg and technically working under the English Crown as a privateer, and some Spanish prince. We never really learn anything about him, except he's snooty and holier-than-thou.

I was pleased with the first appearance of Blackbeard.  A solid, rough looking man, with burning fuses tied into his great beard, glaring fiercely at his mutinous crew.  Excellent entrance.  And then . . . he pulled out his magic sword.

Now, I have nothing against swords.  I LIKE swords. And magic.  Magic rocks.  For a historical pirate adventure movie, a little bit of magic and a little bit of swords is perfectly acceptable. Voodoo and other beliefs were/are present in the Caribbean, and there's no reason they shouldn't be in these movies.  I mean, after all, they are looking for an epic fountain!  This magic sword, however, was just too much.  It was jarring.  He could control the entire ship and everything on it with it, performing complicated rope tying and etc with a wave.  Certainly, I can accept cursed coins.  They did one simple thing: prevent the holder from dying until it was returned to its home.  Jack Sparrow's compass?  It too, did one simple thing - point toward the holder's heart's desire.  This sword?  It probably baked bread and made coffee while it was adjusting the sails.  It begged the question:  if he had that sword, which performed necessary ship tasks quicker and more efficiently than the losers below decks, WHY DID HE NEED A CREW?

That's the other thing.  My main answer for the crew's presence is to use them in close combat.  However, Blackbeard's ship, The Queen Anne's Revenge, was equipped with . . . wait for it . . . FLAMETHROWERS.  That's right.  Two of 'em, tucked in the bow of the ship.   I'd like you to pause and think about 18th century sailing vessels.  What are they made of?  What are they covered in?  What do they carry when they're looking for a fight?  Wood, you say?  Tar and swaths of cloth, yes?  Gunpowder, right?  Things that catch fire easily? Is having flamethrowers in the FRONT of a hard-to-steer wooden and tar-covered ship carrying gunpowder REALLY a good idea?  No.

I calmly accepted mermaids, zombies, fountains that granted immortality, voodoo dolls, compasses that that pointed to heart's desires, and even actual shrunken ships in bottles.  I could not get my head around that sword, and refused to accept the flamethrowers. 

It was fun if you're looking for lots of action and a simple plot.  Sam Claflin was hot.  Jack's complex escape from King George Vernon Dursley's chamber was highly amusing.  I'm sure I'll add it to the collection.

What are the first words you learn when you study a new language?  Yes, no, thank you, hello, sir, ma'am, numbers and colors, right?  And you're EXCITED to be able to use them.  I know how to say something without having to think hard! 

So here's my rant.  In movies and on TV, whenever you encounter a 'foreigner,'  he speaks perfect English, except for those basic words!  "Si, Senor, the ruffians absconded with the assets.  Will you pursue them?  Gracias!"  Characters pretending to be foreigners can get away with this, too. 

 I'm certainly not going to get into the old Native American movie jargon, where they appear to be unable to produce proper English grammar, in spite of hearing it regularly.

 I realize it's just a simple, quick method of establishing a national identity, but . . . but . . . it shouldn't work!

Movie Review: Hellboy 2 - The Golden Army

Worthy, beautiful, interesting bad guys pitted against our misfit heroes. The resolution was far too quick and simple. Liz's angst continued. Abe demonstrated what happens when a brain falls in love and does stupid things. Laughed my head off at the Barry Manilow scene and the fight scene in the locker room.

This was a no-brainer movie, but I do like Hellboy himself. Easy going, likes a good laugh, but always ready to kick some ass. The odds against him never deter him. Great character.

Movie Review: Batman - Dark Knight

Creepy and depressing.
I hate downer movies, because they send me plunging down into gloomy blahs, and it takes a while to recover. While this movie was creepy gloom, it was SUPPOSED to be creepy gloom, so they hit their mark beautifully. Heath Ledger's final role was a masterpiece of insanity. I was highly impressed and repulsed by the character, and by myself, as my thoughts of what I would do if I wanted to cause extreme mayhem were along similar lines of what he was actually doing. Not that I ever think about plotting things like that, just a 'what's the worst thing terrorists could do?' kind of thought.
There are a few amusing moments to provide audience relief from the gloom. My favorite line of the movie . . . a Wayne accountant has discovered discrepancies in the accounts, and found out that Fox (Morgan Freeman) has been designing the batmobile and other items. The accountant approaches Fox and states that he knows who Batman is and wants 10 million a year to keep quiet about it. Freeman stares at him in that wonderful way of his and quietly says: "Let me get this straight. You think that your employer, one of the richest men in the world, is spending his nights running around the city beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands? And your plan is to blackmail this person? Good luck."

I was kind of disappointed in the messiah-like role they gave Batman. (What's up with the superhero-in-a-negative-light movies lately?) He is being persecuted and hunted for his crime-fighting deeds, even taking the blame for some things that he didn't do just to save the reputation of another. Accepting punishment for the sins of Gotham . . . what happened to plain old crime-fighting?

The acting is incredible and the special effects breathtaking. Just don't go see it if you're feeling the teensiest bit blue, because it's not meant to be a cheerful film.

Movie Review: Hancock

Will Smith is awesome. This movie . . . wasn't. It was more of a biography with some bits exaggerated more than others. It's not your typical superhero movie, because for most of the film Hancock is the anti-hero. There's no villain. Or rather, they had a hint of a villain, but compared to the hero he was just a blip on the screen, a nothing. There was NO POINT to him. I felt as if a large part of the story was being left out, and perhaps it was, considering the short length of the film.

There were good points. The character itself was fairly well developed. While he had all the super qualities, bulletproof, able to leap tall buildings, etc . . . he also had his unusual form of kryptonite that weakened him and made him mortal. The storyline surrounding him might have made a good tv series in a Highlander sort of way.

Bits were missing, that's all I can say. If they weren't there at all, then they should have been developed. But hey, it's Will Smith!

Movie Review: Wall-e

Pixar does it again! They have the amazing ability to tell a story with minimal dialog. The captain of the Axiom spoke the most, but I noticed they managed to sneak John Ratzenberger into the film as a minor character. Lots of good details. Strong messages about taking care of the planet, and not letting yourself become a fat useless slug constantly being fed useless information and liquid diets. (and Elaine should spend less time on the Internet!) Yes, cockroaches DO survive everything, and it's ALWAYS a good idea to have a manual override button for the autopilot.

Great, positive film.

Movie Review: Wanted

Wanted: Angelina Jolie, tattooed, with a gun. Lots of guns, in fact. And not so much attitude as smirky mystery. Y'know, standard Angelina. Clothing optional. Blood, gore, and CGI package included. Oh, and give her a nerd to play with. So's movie goers can pretend they're him.

Um, were there other actors in this movie? Yeah. Wesley Gibson was played by the same actor who played Mr. Tumnus in the Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. (Talk about a wide range of roles!) And the plot . . . the plot? Things were left out. But there were guns. And explosions. And rats.

Really, we all know we go to see Angelina beat people up.

Movie Review: Kung Fu Panda

The typical story of a bumbling nobody becoming a hero. Very well done, the plot simple but sincere.

Excellent casting. I was only vaguely aware of who the voices were, but when I saw the credits at the end I kept nodding. Jackie Chan as a monkey? I can totally see that. Angelina Jolie as a tigress? Definitely. Lucy Liu a snake? Oh yeah. Master Shifu was a red panda, although I had to find that out for certain on Wikipedia. Fortunately I had recently seen pictures of red pandas so I was fairly certain while watching the film.

Awesome graphics. There's a fight scene on a bridge, fully animated, that just would be impossible to do in a live action film, no matter how many wires you used.

So go and enjoy. Definitely a fun no-brainer. No toilet humor, just a bit of slapstick. Might be a little scary at times for little little kids (honestly, why take a 3 year old to the movies anyway? They're not going to remember!) This one's going on my wish list.

Indiana Jones Addendum

I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark last night, and had a realization. They're action films with an archaeological veneer, not archaeological films with some action. (you're thinking, well duh! aren't you?)

Raiders of the Lost Ark is a simple film with a simple plot. Lots of fights and a few surreal special effects. Very little brain power is involved. Indy already knows about the Ark's history, the staff of Ra, Tanis, and the Well of Souls. He quickly finds someone to translate the headpiece. The second half of the movie is simple chases and fights and a dramatic ending involving why you shouldn't open the Ark.

The Temple of Doom was a dark action film, involving a simple search for a sacred stone and kidnapped children. (Frankly, he didn't need to be intelligent or an archaeologist to do either!)

The Last Crusade gets much more interesting and involved. There are lots of puzzles to solve. Who are these men, why are they trying to kill Indy? Where's Dr. Jones, Sr? What do the puzzles mean to get safely to the grail, and which is the grail? It's not solely an action film.

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull reverts back to being an action film. There are a few riddles left behind by mad Oxley, and a few physical puzzles to solve onsite (mostly door openers). The mad pace and the bizarre elements of the film keep you on your toes the entire movie, but it just doesn't have that intellectual edge The Last Crusade had.

Having stated the obvious, I realize I prefer movies like National Treasure, with their intricate puzzles and clues and riddles. The Last Crusade will still remain my favorite Indiana Jones film.

I am a geek. I can't help it if I like brainy men who can think their way out of problems and outwit their enemies.

And then easily revert to "Plan B: kick ass" if they have to.

Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I somehow didn't think that they could do it and have it be as good as the others, but I was proven wrong. An excellent, fun film. Very 1950's, with hints of the cold war, McCarthyism, Roswell, and greasers. Suitable crypt creepiness. Capoeira style fighting. Other movies crept in - Stargate, Star Wars, Raiders, even a little National Treasure. (I about laughed my head off when Ford said "I have a bad feeling about this.") I was only disappointed that Short Round didn't make a cameo appearance. Classic snakes, bugs, whips, Ark reference, and a fantastic car chase scene. Two, actually!

Go see it. This is a definite purchase for me!

Movie Review: Prince Caspian

Love love love the costumes. and the scenery. And architecture. And Aslan's mane. I want to bury my face in that mane. Music was good too. It's the reason I go to these movies. The costumes and Aslan's incredible CGI-ness. I really don't like the Narnia stories. Yes, I know they're supposed to be very moral, and I do admire the strong female roles, but it just seems so . . . unfair. Having to grow up twice is horrifying to me. Being forbidden from ever visiting Narnia again just because you learned everything you were supposed to from it is WRONG. I protest. But the movies are well done.

Watched Treasure Planet this afternoon for the first time. (Yes, I know, I'm running a teensy bit behind on my movie watching!) All's I can say is, wild. They make Muppet Treasure Island seem normal. (Still one of my favorites!) What you have is 18th century clothing in what, the 28th century? Robots and all sorts of space creatures, a lady captain who'd make a fantastic Salamandastron Hare if Disney ever does the Redwall series (ooh, I hope not Disney! some other company, please!) and a funky little Flubber wannabe shape-shifter. No Squire Trelawney, no treasure brought home, and Jim Hawkins jumps abruptly from punk kid to naval graduate.

Now, Treasure Island has been one of my favorite stories for a long long time. I remember first reading it after my aunt gave me a Commodore 64 game based on it. The game sure was a lot easier to play after I knew the storyline! R.L. Stevenson is right up there on the shelves with my Tolkien and Twain books. (hmm, that sounds alphabetized, it just happens to be the authors I like enough to buy in hardback!) Great stuff, even after all this time.

I tend to be rather critical of the movies, but I do have a few favorites. Charlton Heston and Christian Bale starred in one several years ago that I consider to be truest to the book. Fantastic acting, great setting, you can almost feel the steamy humidity of the island. I think it was a TNT Original? I'll have to look it up. And corny as it may sound, my other favorite is Muppet Treasure Island. The costumes are beautiful, and Tim Curry's delivery of Long John Silver is out of this world. He's not good, he's not bad, he's just looking out for himself and woe to those who interfere or fall into his schemes.

I don't know where to put Treasure Planet. it was . . . different. In a bizarre kind of way. A Stevenson meets Star Trek thing. The graphics were quite nice, kind of sparkly and deep. I'm sure the effect was much better on a large screen. I did laugh during it (first time this week?) so that had its positive points, but . . . hmm. I guess there was just too many levels in it, aimed at different audiences.

It was just . . . wierd!